Archive for April, 2009

Because men are such emotional creatures

day trader

Men are very irrational creatures. I know the mythology about the male psyche claims the opposite, but the cold hard facts have never been of any use to male centred mythology, and nowhere is that more accurate than in the argument over male rationality.

The most motivating force in human history is the male ego. The male ego is also the least rational, most emotional force that ever existed. Bridges don’t get built because people need to get from point a to point b, they get built so a man can beat the architect he fought against in university, or to show off to a girl he’s trying to impress.

Everything that men do or achieve has at its core, some kind of ego drive. It’s to teach their mate a lesson, save face over a drunken argument the night before or prove to everyone from his childhood he’s not a loser.

Even the moon landing happened because the Americans wanted to beat the Russians.

If a man gets jealous of his mate, he will lock in her in the house, make her wear a black shapeless sack over her whole body, cover her face, hands and feet also, refuse to let her speak to any men without his approval, and then build an entire religion to justify his paranoia and fear of losing his woman.

This is not rational behaviour.

In romance novels men don’t pretend they are rational creatures. The men are masculine, gorgeous and powerful – they just aren’t very rational; Same as in life, only theyr’re happy to admit it.

Because women think it’s reassuring to tell everyone else your problem

friends

Not their problems mind you – yours.

Women seem to have no trouble at all telling their husbands, children’s and best friends most private secrets to every woman they will run into in their day.

You see, when you tell a woman something (and the more private it is the better) she immediately counts up the people she knows who will be impressed that she received this news from you first. For a woman, to be taken into the confidence of someone is a very precious thing. So precious, she will want everyone to know how much you trust her.

She also thinks that with such intimate and personal problems, you need a lot of input. She will find her way to all the people in the office, her friends she is able to grab hold of and pretty much all the people in between to ask them advice about how you are going to handle your situation.

How many times you asked her not to tell anyone is irrelevant. In fact if you did ask her not to tell anyone, she will simply tell that to all the folk she tells as well, making sure it never gets back to you, because after all – you told her not to tell anyone.

In romance novels, if a woman blurts out a private secret to all around her, the subject of the secret understands that she is only trying to help, and will respect her for her efforts. Also, in romance novels unlike in life, the people she tells will not lose respect for the subject or feel superior because they don’t have the same problem.

Because men think winning the battle is more important than winning the war

shot

A man will argue that black is white; day is night and hot is cold in order to win an argument; Even if he doesn’t believe those things.

It is more important for a man to win the current argument than it is for him to establish himself as intelligent or talented in the long term. All that matters to him is that when interacting with other human beings (although this battle winning also applies to broken appliances) he leaves as the ‘victor’; Even if there is no war.

This means two things. Men will look for ways to determine themselves as victor. And men will set a series of rules that they will not share with their opponent, establishing a greater opportunity for them to come out the winner.

Everything is weighed up in a series of competitive cheques and balances in a man’s’ mind. This is why he won’t ask for directions. It means to the person he asks – he’s lost. That person knows something he does not know, and they knew it first. They win. He can’t let that happen. Even if it means not showing up at the destination, he’ll be the winner in the end because he didn’t ask for directions.

If you are arguing with a man and his witty come back to your point is “so?” and you throw your hands up in the air and walk away – he’s won. It is simply irrelevant what you think of him later. It never occurs to him. All he cares about is that he won that battle.

If a man successfully avoids the best advice at the most crucial moment – but it was not a moment chosen by him – he will reject it and in his mind this means he’s won. Everything is a challenge to be met, a gauntlet to be run and a chance for him to showcase his abilities. His abilities in what skill in particular are not important.

In romance novels men never act so irrationally. They ask for directions, they aggressively seek advice from professionals, and they focus in a strategic fashion on the long term objective.

Because women ‘Mother’ their way to the top

Chocolate chip muffin

One of the busiest  people in the workplace, who actually does nothing is the social organiser.

The social organiser is usually a woman and usually too busy to get a lot done during the day because she is örganising the Christmas party, getting the birthday card signed or planning the monthly social BBQ.  However, people feel too mean to complain that they aren’t supported because she also brought fresh muffins into work that morning that she baked herself.

Not only that, she gives generous gifts at Christmas, little eggs at Easter and knits booties when anyone or their wife has a baby.

This manipulation is a way to get out of doing the daily drudgery that no one wants to do, but someone has to because that is actually why you are there getting paid. As women have always been the masters of being acknowledged for pointless tasks, they have naturally brought it to the workplace, claiming it is good for morale.

In romance novels the women are too busy getting on with their exciting lives to be bothered with currying favour through these kinds of gifts.  Their generosity is shown naturally, through the day; not as the result of painstakingly thinking what they can do to make everyone like them.

Because men can fix plumbing – even when they can’t

Plumber working on sink

 

There are three things men effectively can do regardless of the results of their efforts. Repair all plumbing problems, fix the car and do their own extension.

The law of the land argues that all three of these tasks require extensive education. There is not just theory required, but practical components, recognising that you can’t simply learn these tasks from a book. You need to do them in a prescribed amount of time, to a specific standard and be able to do this over and over, day after day before you qualify to perform these repairs.

The primary reason for this is they can cause death if not done correctly.

None of this matters to men. From the dripping tap to the clogged sewer, a man will resist calling the professional for as long as he can get away with it, either ‘getting in there’ on the weekend, or thinking ‘he must get to that’ and never actually getting around to it.

Every mechanic who works on the car to the man is the enemy. Every mechanic is trying to rip him off, or at least assert a superior style of masculinity over him. Men will do all sorts of things to ‘prepare’ to confront the mechanic from leaving small indicators around the engine to show someone actually did the work, to getting in and fixing it himself first – the result inevitably being it will need more expensive work than it would have before.

Men will think nothing of having their family live in a house littered with nails, sheets of glass, cut and broken tiles exposed pipes and dripping roofs as they take the prescribed five years to complete the extension on the house they don’t have council approval for.

In romance novels, a man does not see it as a challenge to his masculinity if you have to call in a plumber to do a plumbers job. He never even makes the connection. Because he’s just slayed four soldiers, a vampire and a dragon, he’s happy to let the professional do their job.

Because every woman, no matter what she says, follows astrology

Fortune teller

Make no mistake about this. Women think astrology is a science.

If any women ever looks you in the eye, and tells you that she has no interest in astrology, that it isn’t her thing and she can’t understand the attraction – she’s lying.

You must understand, this is a bit of a sore point for women. They’ve tried, really they’ve tried since emancipation to give this one up, but they just can’t shake the habit.

They will go months, years even, and then one day they will casually glance at the newspaper and ‘accidently’ read what the stars have in store for them that month, and bingo – they’re hooked again. Before they know it, they’re checking in on their boyfriends stars, looking up a blog for a ‘deeper understanding’ and then doing their charts.

Then without seeing the warning signs, she is consulting the stars every day to plan her day, working on the shadow side of her personality and using astrology to help her climb her ladder to a deeper spiritual awareness. In fact, you know you’re in trouble if she brings home the candles and the herbs and sits mysteriously in the corner carving things into the wax, and reading a little book she picked up for $65 at the local Saturn Return book shop.

This is an addiction for women and only a high level intervention on mass with all women will help them get over it. If step one is admitting you have a problem, then we have trouble because even the most rational minded woman will not admit that, alone in the bathroom with the daily paper, she hasn’t just peeked  – for a laugh – at what the stars say today.

In romance novels astrology is completely legitimised. Sorcerers, magicians and all kinds of star gazers take the place of so called rational people, and the woman can feed her little addiction in peace, knowing if anyone catches her at it, she can claim she didn’t know it was in the book.

Because men think the relationship “high” is supposed to last forever

jeans hole

Ask any man if you think it is a good investment to buy a new car, and usually they will tell you that it isn’t because the cars value will drop as soon as you drive it out of the showroom; you’re better to buy a one-year-old-car, gain your benefits  and not lose your money.  

Ask most men who have been on many overseas trips if they still feel the initial buzz when they wander around the city streets of an unfamiliar town, and they will tell you with no small amount of pride about how clever they are at finding their way around and how wonderful it is to have the benefits of being a seasoned traveller.

Ask a man how he feels about his socks with holes, the faded jeans that still fit like a glove, the old track suit pants he’s had for ten years, or his high school football jersey and he will tell you nothing on the planet will make him part with them.

However, men do irrationally insist that their wife or girlfriend stay fresh, flawless and above all young, forever.

Here is the bitter, ugly truth. Sex is just a normal bodily function. It is not the big dramatic height of romance, stimulation and thrill that men insist it is. If sex requires constant external stimulation in order for it to exist, then your problem is not outside of yourself.

If you grow tired of a certain restaurant, you don’t say “It’s my wife. I will leave her and go to that same restaurant with a younger woman, and that will fix the restaurant.” If you are sick of the same old music, you don’t say “It’s my wife. I will throw her away and get a new younger woman and listen to the music with her and I am sure the music will be much better.”

The new is just a temporary distraction from the old problem.

A man can trick himself into believing this lie (more on this later) in order to avoid actually having to do any work on his own psychic self, but eventually he will leave the new woman when she is too ‘old’ and shrug his shoulders and say “I’m just  man.”

In romance novels, if a couple are not enjoying their sex life, they do something about their sex life, in the same way they would switch apartments if their home had gotten too small for them. They don’t expect sex to remain the same as it was when they were teenagers, and they are grateful for it and embrace the exciting new frontiers sex together will bring – Or they will introduce new people as a couple to their bed if they want.  The point is, they don’t throw out the relationship, they just fix the sex.

 


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