Archive for August, 2009

Because men need to ‘adjust’ in public all the time

man in white underwear

“A person who learns to juggle six balls will be more skilled than the person who never tries to juggle more than three.” Marilyn vos Savant

Okay, so here is one we women really really don’t understand. The need men have to adjust, tug and generally just play with their balls in public.

Here is a newsflash for the men.  Our bra straps don’t always sit right.  When they get a twist in them they can be very painful.  Our underwear sometimes creeps into the wrong places (and we have a lot more ‘wrong’ places than you) and we get ‘unmentionable’ itches that we take care of with creams and other tricks of the trade.  What you never EVER see us doing, is making any or all of the necessary adjustments to our comfort, in public.

The problem here is one of perception.

Because men are so deeply in love with their genitals, they assume women (who don’t even have their own set) are even more in love. It was a man after all who invented penis envy (the idea that the humans on the planet without dicks are so horrified and distressed that they don’t have them that they form entire neuroses because of the lack – forgetting of course that you can’t miss what you never had.) and it is men who really suffer from it.  It is simply inconceivable to a man that a woman wouldn’t be sitting there thinking about his penis and his balls.

Women do think about male genitalia, but never in the way men assume they would.

When a man adjusted his balls in front of a woman, she thinks he has an ‘itch’ and it is a huge warning to stay away .  So here is something to learn gentlemen.  Your fiddling is not having the desired effect.  It doesn’t inspire lust or envy at all.  It inspires revulsion.  Because women will endure extreme discomfort before they adjust themselves in public, they assume you are desperately itchy if you keep playing about down there.  That assumption takes a nanosecond to turn into a warning that the guy must have a scorching case of herpes, crabs or just plain old jock itch.

In romance novels women never have to endure men adjusting themselves in front of them. Women tend to write these novels, so they simply prefer to live in a world where they never have to wonder if their guy (or some other guy) has little animals crawling over his balls.

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Because women need to talk into the wee small hours about nothing

Young couple Man and woman talking in bed

“Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.” Friedrich Nietzsche

Why is it that women need to have long talks about non specific things when you’re ready to go to bed? Why do these talks usually last hours?

Nietzsche is on the right track here. Women talk to hide things.

 Men don’t talk, and reveal everything that they think they’re getting away with;  Because men don’t hide things well at all, and because they don’t know that they can’t hide anything, they don’t understand what is going on when a woman says “How do you feel about us?” at half after midnight when you’ve just had hot sex.

Women can read men very well (that’s partly why they’re so angry so much of the time) and they can sense what is going on inside their man when they are making love. Women get frightened that men can sense things about them as well when they make love (of course most men aren’t trained in this and they can’t – but women aren’t aware of that) and the best way to find out how much he knows is to talk about it.

She asks how you really feel about your relationship because she’s not really that sure of the relationship and she wants to know you are, so she can rely on that strength.

The real problem here is that a woman shouldn’t be looking to her man for guidance in this area. She needs to take responsibility for her own feelings. If she’s unsure of the relationship, it may not be the right one for her. She needs to take control, rather than talk her way into an acceptance because she works them both up into a loop conversation at three am that tricks them both into confessions of happiness because each is too tired to keep going any further.

In romance novels women are sure. They are rock solid sure they are with the right man, because she has usually chosen him properly and because he is clear that she is his choice. Ambiguity, guilt and ‘waiting-for-something-better-to-come-along’ don’t exist because lovers choose each other with power and commitment. ‘You are every lover I have ever had and every lover I will never have’ is their creed. Therefore, after a night of hot sex, they fall asleep in each other’s arms at great peace knowing they revealed their true selves in their love making.

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