Archive for January, 2010

Because men move in with women for the wrong reasons

Were you to cross the world, my dear,

To work or love or fight,

I could be calm and wistful here,

And close my eyes at night

 

It were a great and gallant pain

To be a sea apart;

But, oh, to have you down the lane

Is bitter to my heart.

Dorothy Parker

So here is the scenario.

You’re out with a guy that you’ve dated for a while. The length of time isn’t really the issue, its variable, but it is the correct length of time for a couple to be starting to get serious. You’re both settling in – you’re cooking for him a couple of nights a week then sleeping over at his place. He fixed your car and got it registered for you. He’s coming over to your place on the other nights, and you’re cooking for him at your house. He’s introduced you to his parents. You know, it’s getting serious.

Then one day, you’re out together and a cute guy glances your way, and you look back, admire him briefly, ten go back to your salad and smile sweetly at your partner.

But he looks white. Suddenly he’s in a weird mood. He’s sulking and you’re not sure why. He’s short with you and then he starts to talk about how hot the receptionist is at work. Ire rises, but you’re so in love with him, you recognise this is coming from insecurities and you show great patience. You ask again what’s wrong and again he says noting. You eat the rest of your meal in stony silence as he spends most of his time checking out the waitress.

Once you’ve left the venue, he folds completely and accuses you of looking at the guy. You say you did but what of it, men do it all the time. You fight over it for a few hours. Finally you get past the fighting and he says it must have made him uncomfortable because he loves you so much, and that is very hard to say because he is a man and men just don’t do this naturally and easily, but your astounding beauty and general loveliness has somehow miraculously turned him into a man in love.

You make love and after he says “let’s move in together.”

Before you know it you’re in the wonderful position of cooking for him every night, washing his clothes, cleaning his house, and earning your own keep contributing 50/50 to the financial upkeep of the house, and he is starting to have conversations about men not being naturally faithful and it being normal for them to want more than one woman.

How did this happen?

Because men enter the serious phase of relationships for the wrong reasons; they will move in with their women out of jealousy, marry out a fear of her leaving him or have a child to show off their virility to the guys in the pub. They don’t keep themselves properly single, “sowing wild oats” and generally living the single life till they REALLY get tired of it and know that they are ready to commit to a woman, have babies with her and grow a long happy life.

In romance novels, every man has already sown his wild oats (if he was ever one of those that needed to at all) and knows himself enough – that is, has done enough mental soul-searching all by himself – to recognise that he is mature enough and ready to commit to the complexities, difficulties and endless rewards of long-term partnership.

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Because women think gossip is justifyable

It is true. I this area I can’t defend my sex. Women do think that gossip is pleasurable and enjoyable. And the juicer, and the worse the person who is not present looks – the better.

So what are women doing when they gossip together like this?

Women taking with love and respect about a person who is not present is not always gossip. Sometimes it is two friends who are genuinely not sure what to do talking about something or someone who is near and dear to both their hearts. Sometimes it is information sharing.

And sometimes it is to delight in the ugly details of another person’s life to have a certifiable ‘win” over them in life. We have talked before her how women are so deeply competitive. It is a competitiveness that drives them to gossip in a nasty way about other women and other men. By the way – don’t think this is about other women. This is all about getting under the façade and taking affirmation from others failure. Men are not t all safe from the virulent attack of the bored unhappy woman.

And here in lies the secret behind gossip. Bored and unhappy women will gossip not to drag others down but to elevate themselves. That is what gossip is all about and that – at the end of the day – is the mystery behind those magazines as well. Those stupid gossip mags that everyone “knows” is not true… but what they are revealing to you is the power of gossip.

Gossip has the power to make something true by simply stating it and then looking for the evidence. How often do you see (what we call in Australia – tall poppies) people dragged down by those mags, and then a few months later you find the mags were right. Well it’s not that the mags knew something – or maybe they did. What you are seeing is the power of gossip.

In the past the will behind gossip has destroyed people. We rubbish it, but the truth is, it has a great deal of power.  That is why women cling to it, because of the power it wields. Just as men have to give something up to stop being “beer guzzling jock assholes” (quote from the film Heathers) so women have to give up the power of being “chardonnay sipping label wearing bitches” before gossip will have seen the end of its days.

We have all felt the sting of gossip. We all know the venom in its tail.  When women give this up, and only when they give it up, will it lose its power.

In romance novels, women don’t gossip, ever. This is because every woman no matter who she is, deep down knows that gossip is a false power and prefers to think that in a perfect world she wouldn’t be gossiping. You all need to know, men and women alike, that women deep down wish they didn’t gossip, and in romance novels – the perfect world according to women – it never happens.

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Because men think when a woman does it, it’s stupid

Men are very good at justifying their idiosyncrasies and laughing at a woman’s. In fact, this is an essential part of what it takes to be a “mucho man” – that you make fun of women when they do exactly the same thing as you.

Let’s not even go to sport! Men will worship football, cricket, baseball… you name it! Until women do it. Then they like to laugh.

But  take a look at the following;

(Soft porn) Men think it’s cool that girly mags have the latest game show model appear half-naked on the cover, but they laugh at Taylor Lautner being on the cover of the magazine next to it.

(Lifestyle imaging) Men love Hugh Hefner, but think Sex and the City is crap.

(Mid life crises) Men think men should “naturally” be with women twenty years younger than them but think women who have men younger than them have taken advantage of an innocent.

(Pornography) Men think porn is a necessary part of male life, but they mock erotic romance novels as “trashy”.

(Infidelity) men think men can’t help it – that being unfaithful is a part of their chemical makeup, but when a woman is unfaithful she is an unnatural whore.

(Shopping) Men will spend endlessly and plenty of money they don’t have on computers, computer parts, tech gadgets, programs, and things for their car, sports or television and sound system but when women shop it’s an annoyance and a complete “mystery” to them.

(Children) men will get tired of spending time with the kids because it is draining and often very dull, and yet they are incensed if a woman feels the same way.

(Books) Men will read really poorly written sportsmen biographies but when women want to read romance novels they laugh and say that they are filling their head with crap.

(Films) men will watch badly made terrible car chase movies – plot? What plot?  – But think films that women like are total crap.

You’re getting the idea right? I could go on and on. Men and women basically do exactly the same things, but when women do it, it is laughed at and considered to be some lower sort of foolish behaviour. In other words, men preserve difference by making fun of a woman when she does the same thing.

She loves Sex and the City because it makes her feel like a beautiful woman, which is an ideal she can never reach.  He loves watching The Fast and the Furious because it makes him feel like a macho man, which is an ideal he can never reach.

In romance novels men use the similarities to connect with women, rather than grasp at flimsy straws to create an imagined difference. The men will automatically think about how they felt doing the same thing and assume she will want to be treated the way they want. They are right of course, because these are the most mucho of all men – exactly the way women dream them to be.

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Because women turn into puritanists

A strange thing happens when a woman goes into a committed relationship.

She becomes God’s police and decides all single women are whores.

The wife and the whore have always been pitted against each other. It’s such a prevailing myth that there is an actual psychological condition men get, called the Madonna complex, where they can’t sleep with their wives because they see them as too pure and lovely to experience sex.

This seems to happen to women too.

Wives are pure. They are the purest form of pure.  As we have seen in previous posts, when a man marries a woman it’s very tempting for him to turn her into his mother. This seems to be the scenario for the wife as well. She seems to start behaving like his mother.

And nowhere is this truer, than in the bedroom.

Like men, women get tired of the same old thing every night. However unlike men, women don’t take responsibility for this and try to get their satisfaction from their partner. What they do is, turn to a strange form of Puritanism that has no foundation in common sense but is the most zealotly worshipped religion in the world.

Of course this isn’t all women. (I will state that my sisters in erotic literature don’t seem to have this problem) However many married women instantly see single women, and sex as their enemies.

As if that isn’t bad enough, they start to regulate sexuality. They become very vocal in promoting modest behaviour. Their first attack seems especially reserved for themselves as they justify their lack of interest in sex with a kind of puritanism that implies deep thought, a certain spirituality or worst of all, a higher moral position.

At the base of this behaviour is fear. Fear of losing the man who is their power base. Therefore anything remotely connected to sex can make them feel that their man will be tempted away from them and he will take all her safety with him and she will be left alone. Better to use the only power she has, and act like his mother:

“Really? You like that? What do you think that says about you? All I can say is I hope you never share that with our children.”

And then

“No I most definitely do NOT feel like mucking around!”

In romance novels women don’t want or need to give up on sex even after they’re married. In fact the great majority of erotic romance end with a happily ever after scenario (this is because women love to feel special) and in the world of erotic romance, that means an endless world of perfect sex. The only taboo is infidelity. But then, no hero wants to be unfaithful, because his beautiful voluptuous woman can’t wait to do it to him every night when they are in bed.

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Because men don’t understand flirting

Men don’t understand flirting. This is true for all men as far as I can tell. They think its foreplay. They don’t understand that the two are separate and treated separately, each can actually have its own charm.

Women like to flirt and if men actually cottoned on to this idea, they might get a lot of an additional pleasure in their life that has up until now been missing.

Flirting has a lot of advantages for many different reasons. The most of which is it has a wonderful effect on the increase in mojo. This is the primary reason for flirting. It’s so you can go home and think “Yeah – I’m hot – look what happened to me tonight.”

However, men confuse flirting with foreplay all the time. If a woman looks in their direction, then down at the floor, then back in their direction with a half smile, they think they’re going to get laid. An d then when they rush over at the speed of light and say “your place or mine” and she looks back at him horrified, they accuse her of being a prick tease and will often abuse her publicly for making a fool of them.

All they need to understand is that the “look” does not necessarily mean she wants to have sex with you. The look is not even in the same ball park. In fact, the best thing about the look is that if some other guy starts sitting with her, buying her drinks and putting in the hard yards, your looks don’t necessarily have to end till she leaves the premises wit the guy.

The look is subtle. It’s designed to make you feel good, to give you a bit of a thrill. It’s about feeling good about yourself and remembering that you are an attractive man and that you really do have it going on.

If men calm down and don’t feel that they are “in with a chance” just because she’s flirting, then there is more of a chance that they will get more flirting.

The other advantage of flirting is that it does not mean you are chatting and it does not mean you have done anything wrong. You don’t have to feel guilty and you don’t have to report back. And the best thing of all is that the girl that is flirting with you does not expect you to leave your current girlfriend and run away.

In romance novels the hero does not flirt with other women at all. He is obsessively besotted with his woman and no one else comes close. She does not flirt at all, because she is so deliriously happy that she can’t even look sideways. No one compares to each other. Women like to take a look at this world and then if they don’t have it in their own life, then they like t have a little go at a flirt some time when they feel very safe.

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