Archive for June, 2010

Because when men don’t want sex it is considerd cool

I just watched ‘The Hurt Locker” which was …. well… it was another war movie.
But one of the things that struck me in it, was when men isolate themselves in sexless situations, it always has an element of “cool” or something beyond their so-called massive sexual drive. When a man leaves his wife and places himself in a war situation where (supposedly – lets not even get started on that one) it is a sexless situation, it is seen as really cool and STILL really “masculine”.
This tells me that even stronger than the drive to hyper-sexualise every female in order to define masculinity, is the desire to reject every female in order to define masculinity.
Could you have the same kind of film with a female character? Yes, but she has to be a man – G.I. Jane is a good example – but even so it would never get the same cred that a film about a man rejecting a woman and sex in favour of …. an addiction, or power, or some other non-existent male fantasy, generates.
There is still something very ‘cool’ about a man who rejects his woman. Or sex, as this film indicates at the end.
Yes, we all know the main character is messed up, but who amongst us can really honestly say there wasn’t a measure of admiration for him also?  A desire to “be” him in some way. A need to emulate?
Ultimately, his power comes from his choice of certain death over sleeping with the mother of his child. (It is worth noting that there was a great deal of criticism for this film from men who actually performed the tasks depicted in the film. Particularly the lead character was cited by The Air Force Times as precisely the kind of person who would never get the job.)
If women reject sex they are considered prudes or gods police. They get described in ways that implies their vaginas and wombs shrivel up. Yet, when a man rejects it, it’s cool and he’s some sort of super hero.
Sex is supposed to be a thing of incidental pleasure to a man. In one conversation its a driving force (that is when he’s in a domestic situation, he is unnaturally driven by his desire to fuck everyone other than his partner) and in other situations it is an aggressive pastime he will engage in off to the side of his real life goal (that is when he is in a position of some importance). For women, sex is supposed to be the centre of their life. That is being available for it at any time. She’s no hero if she rejects it. (Even Beatrix Kiddo’s main enemy is the man she slept with)
In romance novels sex is an integral part of all the hero and heroines lives because love – the kind of love Shakespeare talks about in Anthony and Cleopatra  – the love that frees both man and woman from stereotypes – is the ultimate goal and healing energy for all human creatures. Men and women are fighting themselves to get to each other; and this is another one of the reasons women love romance novels  so much.



Because women have no sense of urgency

One of the masculine traits I have to confess to admiring is the will to win. There is something that gets triggered in men that sparks a desire to get ahead. Now this is usually seen in misplaced ways – such as racing everyone off at traffic lights, only to be caught up at the next red light (very embarrassing for said males – makes them look like total douches). However, that spark, when controlled and directed into something exciting, is the fire that almost ensures success.
This is something women have got to learn.
A lot of this is learnt on the sports field. It has been a problem in the past that women didn’t really have access to competitive sports, but they do know and are working their way into that arena more and more as time gores on. 
However, women still have to understand that life is made of many small victories and although I do think women are, much better at winning the war than men are (we live longer for a start, which has got to be the ultimate win) we are very bad at winning battles.
Women just haven’t worked out yet that small victories mean a lot. 
Partly this is because women have no sense of urgency. They don’t get it about how powerful it is to give your absolute best to a project. Women will hold the best part of themselves back in every single one of their endeavours, only ever giving 80%. men know what it feels like to give 100% and therefore often wind up giving 110%. This is how the 4 minute mile gets broken, and then broken and broken and broken again.
When women work out that it is essential they push and push themselves, and that the small things in life REALLY matter, they will find that they can compete more powerfully in the day-to-day battle of accomplishments and self-love. For in the end, the only person who really knows that you havent done your absolute best is you, and the person who stands to gain from your 100% best effort is you also. 
In romance novels women give 100% all the time, and the women reading it love this about their heroines. Women know they don’t give their very best all the time and that is why they love to read about heroines who do. 


Because older men get jealous of younger men

This one bot sexes are guilty of, but what interests me particularly is the way envy of those younger manifests itself. With women it manifests as insecurity.

Wirth men, envy of the young manifests itself as denial.

Older Men will compete with the younger man in ruthless blood-letting ways, even when the younger man is his own son, and even when the son is under six.

There is almost nothing men fear as much as the faster, younger man.

But as I have said above, this fear extends even to their own child. I have seen this time and time again. Once a boy hits ten, his father will start to turn. It will be slight things initially, a faint rebuttal when the boy wants comfort, slightly rougher than usual rough-housing, and the teasing might go in a little too long if the boy catches fewer baskets than his dad. 

Men have tried to justify this behaviour with the “old bull / young bull” theory. You know the one. That the old bull has his herd of cows, and the younger bull wants in, so the too have to fight it out to see who is going to get the herd. This is an interesting theory except for two glaring problems. The young boy never wants to be a rival to his dad and is attacked into it by his mid teens when he has been so harassed he is simply lashing out. And no man, (and statistically extremely few in history) have ever owned a “herd” of women.

Of course men have never let facts get in the way of a good “scientific” theory, so why start now. Older men will continue to find justification for attacking younger men, because they are not at all ready to give the pleasure up.

In romance novels the men are NICE! they are good to their wives and better to their children. That is the ultimate fantasy man, and one of the main messages of this blog is, it is not that difficult to give a woman what she’;d like. You just have to open your eyes.


Because women think sacrifice equals goodness / salvation

One of the most problematical issues in the female pathology is the one where women think sacrifice equals goodness.  This is a way of thinking that will have a woman remain in a relationship regardless of its ability to nurture and feed her.  That extends to relationships where she is being physically or mentally or emotionally abused.

An idea that women must abandon or at least find a new way to express is the idea that her sacrifice means she is a good person. There is always a question around the person who puts themselves last. It tends to be a religious idea that has sunken under the skin – that if your life is hard you will be rewarded – but women must remember these are ideas that get “fed” to the disenfranchised all over the world. Anyone whose basic human rights are taken away, are given some sort of “religion” to cling to in its place.

However, this is meant to be a lighthearted look at relationships and stereotypes.

The really interesting thing about “sacrifice” is it is rarely exactly that. A sacrifice is NOT staying home and leaving your dreams unfed so you can nurture your children’s dreams. Sacrifice is NOT cooking his favourite meals and cleaning his house every day so that he brings home his hard-earned pay check and gives it to you. Sacrifice is NOT letting someone walk all over you because you are too afraid to stand up to them.

These so-called sacrifices (that women specialise in) are more about coming up with excuses for giving in to fear. When women refuse to take responsibility for their own needs, it is not called sacrifice, it is simply bowing to a fear that everyone who has to press themselves into a dream experiences. it is always scary when you have to push yourself into unknown territory and it is no sacrifice when you use another person (especially a dependant) as an excuse to not do it.

However, what REALLY is unacceptable is the claim to superiority that women will attempt because they have “sacrificed” themselves for their “loved ones”.  its bad enough to use the people around you to not care for yourself and your needs, but to claim you are better than them because of this, is simply gross. And this is what “sacrifice” usually leads to. because it is usually based on an inauthenticity, it needs to keep feeding itself with more and more puffed up self-aggrandizing, so the sacrificer never has to confront their own demons.

And no one does this as well as the women. they are the original and the absolute best Martyrs.

In romance novels women are usually self expressed in some way. Even if they are “sacrificing” some aspect of themselves this is addressed in the novel and eventually overcome.  T me this tells us that deep down women do know that sacrifice rarely benefits anyone, but the sacrificer.


Because men fake caring

When you care about another person, its means you apply empathy. You put yourself in their position and you give that some thought. If you are a very good carer, you will wonder how you would react in such a situation.  And if you are a great, amazing carer, you will examine the person you are empathizing with and see if you can work out why THEY might be reacting the way they are.

Mythology implies women can do this better, easily, and with more pleasure than men. However, like the myth that states they don’t feel pain as much as men do (don’t you love that one? It’s to get around being sympathetic about the pain of child-birth) it can’t be scientifically proven because it simply isn’t true.  The reason women show more empathy is they’ve been taught how to  put themselves aside for someone else every now and then.

Men can’t understand this idea. Actually, let me re-phrase that. They certainly understand the idea well enough when empathy is NOT being shown to them. Men think that caring is about going through the motions. Or worse, offering half-baked, half-assed “solutions” till the miserable person is so offended at the trite offerings they want the man to go away. At which point he gets to shrug his shoulders, claim he tried and carry on about mens inability to empathise.

Actually, men are taught that showing too much concern for another person (even your child) is to lose a position of superiority. Exactly what superiority they’re fighting for, is not clear.  What race they’re running when they can’t feel for a six-year-old boy who is sick from a cold is not clear.  All that is clear is that if HE catches a cold (read flu – men never catch colds) then everyone else in the household must force the world to turn in the other direction to a) feel sorry for him and b) find some way for him to get better – but only after his mother finds out and comes over with soup.

It is true that too much empathy can make you avoid looking after yourself (enter the woman’s problem) however, for the most part, you’re not going to “lose” if you just put yourself to one side on rare occasions and think about how it is for someone worse off than you.

In romance novels the men are very empathic. At least they are when they are “the Hero”. Sometimes the men have to be taught about this by their women, however it is always a gratefully received lesson once learnt and it is always extremely sexy to a woman when he does finally get it.

Because women need to be told how good they are

Women need to be told over and over and over again how good they are.

How beautiful they are, how smart, how nice, how friendly, how warm, how good they are at mothering, how nicely kept their house is, what a good friend they are, how good they are at their job, how good a wife they are, how good in bed, how good a cook, how hot, how good at their workout, how naturally talented, how intelligent… and well you get the picture.

A woman’s need for compliments extends way past the ‘normal’ desire for a little self-esteem boost. It is almost as if women do not exist, except in the ‘eye of the beholder’. If that is true, then how they perceive you is important beyond anything else.

Why do you think women are so nice? We all know it’s a sham, and that almost no one in the world is genuinely nice. But women will fake this one till the cows come home. Why? Because they can’t take anyone thinking something bad about them.

the really difficult thing is being friends or lovers to women and having to fulfil this endless need. Over and over compliments need to be paid, because as soon as one as hit her mind it turns to dust and tortures her with self-doubt. Did they mean it? Were they just saying that?  Within seconds of receiving a compliment a woman has turned it into nothing but an attempt to curry favour with her. (Mostly because this is the reason she is paying compliments) 

This can be seen as a product of low self-esteem, or of actualisation not existing within autonomy but in an external force directing behaviour. But on the whole women have really got to get over this. Dependence on any other for your self-esteem is doomed to failure. It absolutely will create a situation where the dependant can never win.

In romance novels women get complimented over and over by the lover and they at first doubt it, and then they quickly belive everything he tells them.  if only compliments worked this well in real life.
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Because men shout and railroad the topic to win arguements

“I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.”

Dave Barry

When it comes to men and arguments a little goes a very long way.  Because all men secretly think they are geniuses, they will usually try to solidly this in dinner party history with the don’t-back-down n0-holes-barred dinning table argument. usually certain things are essential for the success of this. They have to care a lot about the topic, but not know very much about the topic, they have to  win and someone (preferably female) has to end in tears. Topics often go hand in hand with the amount of recreational drug consumed and are usually on nights when the man is pretty sure he wasn’t going to get laid anyway. Topics can range from the actual living conditions in Abu Graib to the real point of Diane Arbus’ art work. As long as few people know much about it, but have a strong opinion regardless, the setting is available for the man who likes to win these kinds of arguments.

When everything is in place the scene is set. Once the arguments have been going for a while and they move into the interrupting each other phase this kind of man is ready wit his weapons of choice. Do not be fooled into thinking these comments have anything to do with research, information or accuracy. They will all be conjecture, paper-thin arguments that a ten-year old child can tear their way through.

However, what their opponent does not count on is the way they can shout over the top of people, make snide comments that imply things about their opponents intelligence and cut off their opponent before they have had a chance to properly complete a sentence. With this arsenal, they can ‘win’ any argument.

I have a RL friend who is so much one of these men that he actually laments the arrival of iPhones and blackberry’s because they connect one to the net immediately and pointless arguments can be solved too rapidly with facts.

I do have to add, women are getting to be this tiresome with the onset of feminism as well. Nice how with opportunity, the oppressed pick up the bad habits of the oppressor before they work out the good.

In romance novels any man who behaved like the above would be a terrible villain and would get it in the end eventually. Just the way the world should be.


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