“Why can’t you do those things with your wife?
Hey! That mouth kisses my children.” – Analyse This
Sex is very screwed up in men’s minds. For a group of people who claim to be crystal clear about what they want, the typical man’s mind is a minefield of unresolved desire, confusion and lack of direction around the issue of sex.
Men have trouble having sex with women they respect. Now this should tell us something very big. It should tell the girls who think they can use sex to ‘get’ a man that your far less likely to be able to get him if that’s why you’re putting out. And for the women who wait, it tells them they can expect to never have exciting dynamic sex with a man because if he respects you too much he won’t be able to do it with you properly.
This is the secret behind men cheating on wives. Forget all the nonsense about natural sexual drives. Men want to have sex outside of relationship because they can’t get that “thrill” from their wives.
Add to this the power issue – where men want to dominate women through sex and you have a messy cocktail of confusion and irrationality that has men in response to their emotions on this issue all the time and never taking a leadership position on it.
Men have tried to pretend for centuries that there is ‘some mysterious biological force’ behind this irrational behaviour, but it has never stuck – primarily because despite the millions of dollars poured into scientific research in this area, they just can’t prove it true.
Can you guess why?
In romance novels the men have passionate love affairs with their partners and it never ends. The great attentive (and I mean attentive toward her) sex continues on and on for years – and that’s another reason why women love them so much.
Why intelligent women read romance novels. 
Personally, I have trouble having sex with a woman I don’t respect. I CAN have casual sex, but I don’t know much about the woman, so I can pretend she’s whatever I want.
But as I get to know her one of two things happens. If I’m lucky, I become a closer friend, and a better companion, and if I’m really lucky, we become better lovers together. Or I find out she’s a psycho idiot whom I never want to exchange bodily fluids with again.
Of course, I have had those relationships where I’ve had less sex with her as I got to know her because she doesn’t want it anymore. And as I respect someone more, I’m less likely to try to make them do something they don’t want to. But then, that just leads to your blog “Because women pretend they like sex more than actually doing it”
http://intelligentwomenreadromance.com/2010/03/27/because-women-pretend-they-like-sex-more-than-actually-doing-it/
Thanks so much for your comment. It’s interesting isn’t it? The way we tend to go down paths that lead back to the same place that is where we never wanted to be in the first place.
I appreciate your time and your words.
Thanks again
Barbra
I cannot agree with this post more. I once had a boyfriend who I was totally into, and the passion was good for awhile (like 5 minutes), but then I SWEAR as soon as he started getting to know me better, respecting me, loving me, blah blah blah, the “relations” turned into snooze-city. Great post, very accurate.
I think I dated that guy too… ha ha ha… scary how so many of them / us can be the same!
🙂
Thanks for a great comment.
Barbra
Whats the answer then? As a couple becomes increasingly comfortable with each other does the relationship become too ‘buddy’ like and less passionate? Do we really need to keep ‘mystery’ going in a relationship for the rest of our lives? Will we ever be able to relax, open up, pee with the bathroom door open AND have dirty passionate sex???
I guess if a man was willing to be emotionally intimate during sex that would solve some of the problem. But how many men are able to look you in the eyes and tell you they love you while they are penetrating you? Sigh.
I agree! I think the answer lies more in learnng how to have sex without it having to be bad. But we are a long way from that. As a culture we talk continuously about sex, and yet there are still so many rules around ones sexuality and the way one is percieved through sex that are poorly expressed. Sex is the place where a lot of societies issues are played out. It’s almost a battlefield if you will. It’s not just what goes on between hetro couples. There is homosexuality, birth control, power, money, morality, children and even freedom that often become battlefields over sexual issues. I think when a woman and a man are having sex, a lot more is being played out than just their two persons expereince.
Thanks so much for your comments, and please feel free to add links to any comments.
Barbra
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What an unbelievably tough subject. While I definitely wouldn’t identify as man (and unlikely to identify as a “male” since I am too aware the genetic basis of that is hardly “accurate” with mosaics/mixes of multiple sexes being the most common in homo sapiens sapiens), I recall once feeling “like a lesbian trapped in a male body” before I became aware of just how inccorect that kind of thinking/labling was, and definitely well before I came to understand the actual science/biology going on, at just how wrong a statement like that was. But what I did come to learn is this:
I cannot have sex with a woman I respect, and especially cannot make love to a woman I love, I respect females far to much to “mar” them with my existence, I realized I may be putting females on a pedestal or perhaps “goddessing” them (though I fully recognize their flaws as well), I at the same time could NEVER sleep with a woman I didn’t respect(admire) as….why the fuck would I have sex with, make love to, or even sleep in the same room as someone whom I didn’t deeply admire/respect or trust? I wouldn’t be able to sleep and I certainly couldn’t share an emotional connection.
The problem: Well, women have made their feelings as a whole(albeit not on an individual basis, but unfortunately all things are subject to sweeping generalizations adopted/campaigned by the majority decision) gender/sex/(species???) known about how they do not want to be objectified or subjectified, connected with or interacted with physically by someone whom appears male, so that instantly cuts 100% all possible routes for interaction in a deep meaningful emotional way UNLESS the female makes all the moves and LEADS, she would have to take this leadership role she so lusts after in the erotic fiction leads (which from 7 million or so men I’ve encountered, does not seem to exist, or is just exceptionally rare (perhaps hinting at why humans descend from only a handful of male lineages but millions of of distinct lineages of females?). If this kind of “male” is just a throw back to the “olden days” (of 100,000+ years ago) it is high time THEY take on this role themselves, maybe more guys want to be the damsel charmed and seduced by the powerful leadership oriented female so seductively idealized of men in these erotic fantasy novels. But it is perhaps just a fantasy, for the same reason I do not sleep or have sex with women anymore (too much “ideal” and not enough “take them for who they are now” without any “labels” like man, woman, perfect, ideal, leader, etc).
Indeed I could probably form an emotional connection with an individual who grew beyond such small mindedness, but for now males and “others” are a safe, sane and reasonable choice, where I am not going to encounter the risk of “rape” or “sexual harassment” because as a touchy feely person (the only way to convey genuine heartwarming interest in another’s soul, and desire to be around them), women/females are a non-option given the current climate about male appearing individuals physically interacting with a female appearing individual in a non-written legally defensible contract way.
Far too dangerous, and for the rest I respect them too much.
Now if someone else makes the moves…that is a different story.
And I think all males struggling with the whole “respect” thing mentioned in this blog post will likely agree about the underlying issue here.
Perhaps it is just time women take the lead and all the risk. When someone MUST take the lead and do all the work, their respect post coitus for the other individual evaporates, or coitus is just hands down awkward.
Human relationships and interactions aren’t about “taking the lead” but “mutual equality” and “guys” deeply care about this equal power, equal work put in, equallity dance (instead of a leader and a follower…). When they have to sleep with a woman they respect…suddenly they end up taking the lead, and that deep seated respect evaporates under the pressure of the reality of her behaviors. Which is why the inverse is successful (if she takes the lead, she is much more likely to treat him as an equal, as such dogma around “lead” hasn’t been ingrained in such an individual, neither leading them nor diminishing them, but conducting a dance of equality yet difference, each providing for eachothers unique needs)). This of course also occurs with any realistic connection with another, but such words as “man/woman” or “male/female” evaporate and they just become their name, or better yet they just ARE.